17 May 2013

Nailed It: Adventures In Surface Tension

One of the blogs I read is Pintester (dot com), by Sonja Foust, who is rapidly becoming my hero.  ine.     I ADORE her posts, her videos, and her series of "Cocknails" where she drinks and fucks up manicures.  She's hilarious, and my kinda gal.

So the other night, sitting in my living room with a glass of rum in one hand and no nail polish on either hand, I thought, "Hey!  WWSD?"  So I set about testing out this whole marbled fingernail polish thing.

The first attempt came out better than the second, which we'll get to in a minute.  The first time, I didn't feel like messing around with glasses of water and what-not, so I just drooled some random nail polish on my fingernails and scootched it around with a toothpick.  It's messy, and it didn't come out at all looking like I know what I'm doing, but it wasn't that bad - I think if I practice this, I can get the hang of it:

Pinky and pointer are done with blue and pale lavender.
My thumb and Driving Finger are also mixed with pink, which came out looking like vomit. 

The next night, I thought, "I got this".  About 3/4 of the way through another glass of rum, I might add.  This time I got down with the water marbling.  Afterwards, I consoled myself by paging through pages and pages of "nail fails" on Pinterest, laughing at both those poor bastards, and also at myself.

Because, I mean, SERIOUSLY:

colors are Blush and Bashful  white and Fuck Me Red

That is disgusting.  After the first few minutes of staring amazedly into my glass of water and watching the effects of the water on the nail polish and vice versa, and playing with the way the colors interact with each other, I threw all my supplies out and started again - this time I put it on my nails, and the result, well, look at the picture.

Nail polish in water looks, at first, like it dissolves, but actually, it spreads out into a very thin skin on top of the water.  The idea is to dip your finger into this skin, and it adheres to your nail (and everything else that goes into the water, by the way.  The how-tos on Pinterest all say to protect the skin with Vaseline;  I didn't have any of that, and I can report that Neosporin kinda works, but not really).

Let it sit a second longer than necessary, and the entire nail polish skin on top of the water's surface comes off at once and wraps itself around ALL of your fingers, your glass, your coffee table, pants, you name it.  And it's slimy.   My index finger is the only one that looks marbled at all; and all of them have teeny bubbles and cracks and wrinkles in the finish; and all of them just look like I put stickers over my fingernails. Oh, and?  This crap got UNDER my fingernails as well.  What a gross feeling.

This "manicure" is still *on me* as I write this, so, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get rid of this hideosity and paint my nails BLACK in protest.

Don't try this shit at home, kids.


1 comment:

  1. Driving finger....BWA! Must admit it took me a second.

    But seriously...why? I don't get all the fancy schmancy nail shit lately. You're just going to take it off in a day or two anyway why go to the bother and expense (some of these nail jobs are like...whoa, really??)?

    I guess I'm just old and don't unnerstands why a good ol' coat of fuck me red won't suffice any longer. I guess a nail fail is the definition of a first world problem. LOL That and the prez getting bashed for having an umbrella held over him.

    Love you.


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